Sometimes I feel like the universe conspires against me.
One step forward, two steps back.
I know the universe doesn’t conspire against me, of course. I know I am in control of my fate and my actions. I must learn from the mistakes I make, for they are made in order to teach me a lesson.
Everything happens for a reason.
I had a shitty kind of weekend. I mean, it wasn’t horrible, just annoying. My husband was occupied with some new music software – his break from reality. I was occupied with cleaning, a little work, writing, and trying to relax and get organized. And trying to give attention to the kids, who are bordering on insane after over a week of not feeling good.They did a lot of nagging, crying, and annoying and screaming at each other.
Fast forward to yesterday. I’m trying to balance an insanely busy schedule with having two kids home all week because the boy has another week off from school for winter break. I’m trying to be positive about this, and I think, it is not unreasonable for me to work until noon each day. I can’t take a whole week off of work right now. About twenty times in twenty minutes I had to say to the boy, “please stop nagging me about my iPod. I’m not downloading any more right now. I’m working. Play with it or something else.” And then came the Justin Bieber videos blaring in my ear and him wanting me to watch. Mind you, I’ve been nagged about the damn iPod all weekend. I’m over it. I lose it. I close my laptop a little too hard, and unhappily say, “Okay, fine, Ben, you have my attention, I will not work at ALL the WHOLE WEEK!”
We got over that, and I opened my laptop back up. Long story short, when I slammed it shut I damaged my hard drive. The combination of this and the fact that I have mistakenly not taken it or the baby with me a couple of times when I left the room for thirty seconds and she has managed to drop it, had really done a number on it. I worked on it all day yesterday and I have been working on it all morning today. Oh yeah, and I hadn’t backed up any files for quite some time. Like, a long time. So there’s that. Pictures are what I’m most worried about. I don’t know how I’m holding it together.
Live and learn.
The worst part is the anger I feel toward myself. That I couldn’t control my temper, and I hurt my son’s feelings. That I have potentially lost a lot of important information and memories because I was angry, or too busy, or stupid. Mostly stupid. That I’m probably going to cost myself money to fix the computer. Money I can’t afford and could have been spent elsewhere. I’m trying to stay positive, but some days I just want to throw in the towel.
What doesn’t kill us makes us stronger.