Because I am Kicking this Life in the Ass
Hey ya’ll! In case you missed it, I guest posted at Four Hens and a Rooster yesterday. I took this amazing opportunity to write about my move from Upstate NY to Eastern NC when I was 17. It’s a tear jerker, so don’t miss it!
Also, there are a lot of amazing guest posters in this series so please check them out and show some love!
It’s no secret that I live in a bubble of stress. Much of it is self-imposed, I can admit. This little bubble of what-if, prep for the next step, and be prepared is hard to shake. Hard to blow away.
And the last couple of weeks have not been easy. Work is busy, yet I’m still broke. My kids’ behavior is out of control. A couple of weeks ago it was my son. Now it’s my daughter. If you can call issues with a two-and-a-half year-old behavior issues. I feel tag teamed. By kids. By life.
As if any day isn’t hard enough, balancing work and kids, today is a no-school day. And for some ridiculous reason, I thought I might be able to work. Which I did. I started at 3 am. Got a lot done, was ready to crank out more, and then they awoke. It was downhill from there. Despite my efforts to take a break and have fun cooking, setting up crafts, Christmas TV specials.
It didn’t work out.
One of my biggest complaints today is the amount of things that have been spilled. Food while cooking. Beads while beading. Half a bag of un-popped popcorn they were arguing over. Iced tea all over the basement rug. A huge bowl of snacks.
Fortunately, by the time the bowl of snacks was spilled, and I thought I just might explode, I laughed. I give up, and it’s okay. No, it’s not okay. It’s wonderful!
With that laugh, I let down my guard and my little girl crawled up on the couch next to me. She put her arm around me and kissed my cheek. She loves me. In spite of me. And I her.
I look over at my little boy and smile at him, and he gives me the sweetest smile back. That boy has the most wonderful smile. Eyes twinkling say, “I love you mom, thank you.” No buddy, thank you. I love you to the moon.
Both of you.
And now I can blow that stress bubble away and just be thankful.
I’m going to be honest with you guys. I’m really tired of my son.
The level of disrespect and general level of unhappiness is becoming so distressing that I’m barely functioning as his mother. I don’t want to be around him. I don’t want to do anything for him.
I’ve given this so much thought – maybe too much. What am I doing wrong? Why is he so unhappy? Is he depressed? Do we have a real issue here?
I don’t have the answer. He is generally a normal, happy boy. Until it comes to me or his father. The way he treats us is just…horrifying. Nothing, and I mean NOTHING is ever right. Ever enough.
Why? How did we create this person who disrespects, demands, and blames us for everything? How did he become so…spoiled?
What do you do when all you want to do is scream, and cry, and hit, and run away?
What do you do when it’s always just boiling. Festering.
When the last thing you want to hear is anyone’s voice. Whether disrespecting, whining, asking, needing.
When you can’t for the LIFE of you imagine what else they could possibly need. What you AREN’T doing?
When the more you give them, the more they want. The more they complain. The more they tell you they hate you. What a terrible mother you are.
Who am I raising? And what am I doing wrong. Isn’t the way he treats me a reflection on my motherhood?
I love him so much. This is not the mother I wanted to be. I wanted to be the mother who has long talks, and listens, and encourages moving away from the norm. Using imagination, experimentation. Trial and error.
But I’m not.
I’m the mother who needs strict adherence to the rules. The routine. Do it now the way I want it done before my head blows off.
I don’t know why. Because I work from here, and I need some level of understanding and order? Because I just need people to not be contradictory even for just a little while?
I don’t know. But please tell me I’m not alone. And that it will be okay.
Depending on what area of the country you live in, there may be different community gatherings to celebrate such an exciting day.
Perhaps you go to a pancake breakfast.
Maybe you go to a spaghetti dinner.
President Obama plays basketball in Chicago.
Candidate Romney…well, I don’t know, he hasn’t released that information yet. I’m sure his plan includes five points, though. Kidding! But seriously, does anyone know what he is doing? I was unable to find info when I wrote this post.
Tradition in my family has always been to go together to the polling place to vote together as a family. I remember pulling the thud of the curtain as I pulled the handle. Carefully reviewing the candidates and on what lines we would vote. My mother letting me help her press the levers in the voting machine. The thud as we once again pulled the curtain handle. The ding letting us know our votes had been cast. A wrinkled, smiling volunteer waiting with an “I Voted” sticker. What excitement! I’m getting choked up just at the thought of it. What can I say, I have inappropriate emotional responses!
I’m sure this tradition has contributed to my love of voting, and downright indignation of people who do not exercise their precious right.
We carry on this tradition in our home now, with our children, even if the way we vote has changed. All I can do is hope these kids will recall their lifetime of voting with fondness and a sense of responsibility. For themselves, their families, community, and country.
So today we will vote, and Ben will help fill in the circles. And then we will come home to eat an all-American meal of burgers, fries, and lettuce wedges.
Yesterday’s NaBloPoMo prompt was “If you could live anywhere, where would it be?”
This is something I have given a lot of thought to lately. Honestly, I’m very unhappy where I am. I try to make the most of my circumstances and find something to be grateful for every day. But our house needs work, and we have no money to do it. It’s too small for us. There is no closet space. My office is the dining room table. These things are manageable, but when you are in the middle of it all day, every day, it gets old. Depressing. Overwhelming.
And while I do have family that lives close – in-laws, aunts and uncles, cousins and nieces, my own parents and sisters live a two day drive away. And I miss them. Terribly. Every day that my children learn or do something new, or every time people who live close say they don’t see us enough is a heart wrenching reminder that my family gets to see us twice a year at best.
A couple of years ago we took a vacation to central Virginia. I loved it! I used to live in North Carolina and I hated it. Too many pine trees, and not enough fall color. But the mountains of Virginia are amazing, and it is relatively close to the beach. I have always wanted to live at the beach.
More importantly it is a one day drive to Upstate NY, and a one day drive to Georgia. A good happy medium, I think, with the opportunity to see both of our families more often. And the opportunity for more happiness and less heartbreak.
Autumn leaf color (Photo credit: INABA Tomoaki)
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| Mother, wife, blogger, podcaster, graphic and Wordpress designer. Crazy person, wanna-be roller derby girl. Wanna know more? |
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