I will be divorced.
My husband and I have been together for 17 years. Half of my life.
My entire adult life.
I’m not sad about the divorce. I’m sad that I feel like I missed out on so much of my life. That I spent so much time feeling like I had nothing to offer. That I had no value.
I thought I had a pretty good idea of who I was and what I wanted out of life when I was 18 and we began dating. Let’s be real, people. Who actually knows who they are when they are 18?
I thought I had a pretty good idea of who I was at 26 when we married. Looking back, I think I was lying to myself.
Somewhere along the line, as I moved from girlfriend, to wife, and then wife and mother, I lost myself. Or, more likely, I never got the time to really get to know myself and what I wanted out of life.
It’s kind of hard to admit you don’t know who you really are. That you feel worthless and alone.
For too many years I have allowed myself to believe, and act as though I had no value. In turn, that is how others have treated me. Most heartbreakingly, my children.
I have been suffering, and most especially, my children have been suffering. So I’m done.
They deserve to have happy parents. They deserve a happy mother who is able to realize her value, and able to give to them fully.
We have been separated for a little over a month, and the changes in all of us here have been profound. The heaviness is gone, and we are all feeling lighter every day. There is a little more ease in the day for me. A little more room to feel like it’s okay to take some time for myself and to not work so fucking hard to please everyone. I don’t constantly have to prove my worth. In return, my children are treating me with respect, and are helpful, smiling, cooperative happy people. All they really want is for me to be here. REALLY here.
Do we have moments where we are crying balls of snot, worrying and wondering about the path that lies ahead? Absolutely. But I have to tell you, those moments of vulnerability are fewer and far between by the day, and have deepened our relationships and trust.
I am allowing myself the time to gather my thoughts and realize my value and how I would like to contribute to the world. Where is my place and how can I fulfill all my hopes and dreams? What ARE my hopes and dreams? Right now, anything is possible, and I look forward my journey on this new path.